Monday, April 09, 2007

Is Matt Damon Gay?

The Damon-Affleck-Paltrow Theory (DAPT)


The thing you have to remember about Matt Damon here is that he is gay. But he doesn't want anyone to know that he is gay, and this is how this whole thing got started...

Matt Damon thinks that by coming out of the closet, he will join the likes of Anne Heche, in that he'll never be able to do a romantic comedy, or be placed with a leading lady, because, let's face it, how many people really bought into "Six Days, Seven Nights" with Harrison always-butch Ford, and Anne I'm-with-Ellen-DeGeneres-today-but-I'll-be-God-tomorrow Heche? Seriously?

But something bad happened one night... well, good for Matt, bad for Ben Affleck. Matt kissed Ben when they were both drunk, and someone saw them, and threatened to blow his cover. That person was Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth Paltrow without her suspicions of Matt Damon's sexual orientation may have never come into play

Nevertheless, here we have her. At the beginning of DAPT, Gwyneth Paltrow had just broken up with Brad Pitt, or I should say that he dumped her. They only dated for about a year, and I have great suspicion that he might have some DAPT-like secret going on himself, but I can only do one thing at a time.

After Gwyneth was dumped by Brad, she moved into Winona Ryder's place (more on her in a minute), and was with Winona at the party that sparked DAPT.

Gwyneth found Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in a compromising position at the party, and blackmailed Ben Affleck into going out with her, to keep her star shining.

Ben is the good guy in this theory. He was just trying to do something nice for his friend. So after getting drunk at a party, kissing Matt Damon, and receiving a phone call that changed Hollywood, Ben was roped right into DAPT

It might not all be bad, though. There was a lot of publicity surrounding his "romance" with Gwyneth Paltrow, and both he and Matt Damon have become huge stars. In fact, the only down side of DAPT at all would have to be the most overrated sack of crap's involvement in the first place.

Winona Ryder

Winona is the missing link. Simple as that. We pondered for months until we figured out that Winona Ryder was the one that brought these four together.

Her involvement in DAPT, other than being Gwyneth's generous roommate, involves losing a bet. The bet was that if Gwyneth could get Ben to date her, then she would date Matt Damon.

If you think about it, Winona Ryder is the perfect cover for a girlfriend of Matt Damon. As much as I am a Winona Ryder enthusiast... even I can admit that she looks like a man. Maybe not when she's got long hair, but when that hair comes off, you can't tell the difference. That must have helped Matt in public when he'd have to kiss her.

The Theory

For those of you who were not paying attention so far, I'll put it together for you.

You see, there was this party. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck went together because Matt wanted to have some fun, and Matt said that Ben needed to get out of the house, as he was missing his east-coast-high-school girlfriend, Cheyenne. Ben agrees, but then doesn't really have too much fun at the party, except for getting a little too tipsy.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Winona Ryder went to the party together because Winona was sick of sitting around her apartment, where she kindly let Gwyneth stay, listening to Gwyneth go on and on about how bad she felt about breaking up with Brad Pitt (by the way, for the record, Brad Pitt dumped her).

Matt Damon also got a bit tipsy at the party, and when he saw his friend Ben not having a good time, he invited him to a moment in private to talk things out. When they were in private, Matt got the wrong signals from his drunk friend, and kissed him.

Ben, after a moment too many, told Matt to stop it, that he was straight, in love with Cheyenne, and even though he was kind of mad would still keep Matt's secret.

What they didn't know was that the overrated sack of crap Gwyneth Paltrow was lurking behind the almost-but-not-quite closed door, and saw the whole thing. Being overrated, she knew that without a handsome, talented boyfriend, the press would give up on her and stop following her around, thus making her a has-been. So she figured that if she blackmailed Ben Affleck she'd get what she wanted, and Matt would get what he wanted (no, not Ben--to have his secret safe, what's wrong with you?!)

Winona flat-out laughed at Gwyneth when she heard the overrated sack of crap's plan. She told Gwyneth, very sarcastically, if she pulled it off, she'd help Matt by dating him to make it look like he was, in fact, straight.

Gwyneth thought this was a grand idea, because Winona had always looked like a man anyway (and though Winona was insulted by this, even she couldn't argue) and Gwyneth called Ben the next morning.

Ben was furious at Gwyneth's plan, but didn't have much of a choice, seeing as how he wouldn't ever let his friend Matt down, so he told Gwyneth that she had one year.

Sure enough, one year later, Gwyneth and Ben broke up. (Matt and Winona broke up some time in between, as well).


After Good Will Hunting, Damon and Affleck appeared in several films together, did joint interviews, interviewed each other, and seemed as tight at 30 as they had been at 10. It struck some people as weird, made them the butt of innumerable "are they gay?" jokes, and eventually started to hurt their careers.



But sources claim the singer turned down the amazing opportunity because he didn't want to play a gay role.

One explained: "There have been so many gay rumours surrounding him that he didn't want to get typecast as a gay character."



Anonymous said...

Do you have a larger copy of your profilepicture? I like it very much and would like to use it if you don't mind! Thanks!


Anonymous said...

i can confirm that +pictures and resolved your missing link 'ryder' - she is so in the closet and is so a lesbian.

neta said...

Winona ryder is soo gay and in the closet its sad. hopefully she'll come out one day.

amy said...

its pretty amazing.
you have a pretty great fan fiction going on here.

Anonymous said...

Ben Affleck in my oppion is gay just not out all the way. I seen him in a gay porn site jerking off, he was alone but he let his name be posted on this site. It's not normal to be out in HollyWood and still work much. So stay in as long as you can until you cannot help it no longer.

Anonymous said...

Funny story.

Anonymous said...

A number of years ago I was in a gay bar in montreal and I saw this guy that was not too tall with a baseball cap on and it really looked like u know who. I cannot say for sure that it was him. When I suggested that he looks a bit like u know who he turned away and ignored me.

Anonymous said...

So what if either or both are gay. The ones who care the most about that are those people whose countries were - or are - in the British orbit. Men walk about arm in arm in civiled Europe and no one bats an eyelash.

Those two actors are having "fun"? More power to them!

Anonymous said...

With as many people who came out of the closet in July 2012, the acting world, even the sports world will never be the same. I was amazed, however, to see Ben Affleck's name, but not Matt Damon's. I like Damon as an actor, in fact, think he's one of the best out there, so why he refuses to come out of the closet is beyond me. If Clint Eastwood, Tom Hanks, George Clooney, and Harrison Ford can do it, so can you, Matt.